Love - This Life

I was not put on this earth to suffer, to ache, to be challenged, to be knocked down, to endure pain, to fear, or to be made weak. The intention that so strategically guides my journey is much bigger then these trials, these small bumps in the road.

"When you face adversity, rather than seeing the world as being against you, live as if its conspiring to make you better. Each obstacle has a purpose - this one to make you stronger, that one to make you more patient. Thank them for teaching you to be creative and to persist, then keep positive until you can see your way not only through the barriers but to all the possibilities beyond." 

I know with every part of my soul that I was put here to be a learner, a gatherer of insight and information completely trusting that with everything I endure, there will be growth and a light that shines brighter. I suffer to find my potential, ache so I can empathize, get challenged to gain self awareness, get knocked down to know my strength, become pained to trust this too shall pass, fear to gain control of my mind, and feel weak so I can build myself back up. 

A cross country move, career change, divorce, cancer, IVF, radical hysterectomy, an appendectomy, a 7 day stay in the hospital, radiation and chemotherapy are the events of my life all put in place to make sure I don't settle into mediocrity or become numb to this one life. These experiences have grown relationships to unbreakable bonds, filled my heart with love, given me the utmost confidence, proven my strength, and allowed me to reach others in incredibly powerful ways. 

I love this life.

I wouldn't change a thing. 

Imagine - This Win

2 years ago to the date I was traveling cross country, car packed with my belongings and a heart full of excitement. My dreams were coming true. California living was about to begin. I felt the world at my fingertips. 

In 48 hours I'll be covering the same roads, this time with Dad at my side. This time driving east toward a new journey, one filled with that familiar mixture of uncertainty, excitement, fear, and endless possibilities. 

This journey is about me tackling cancer.  

On Tuesday, October 2nd I will be in the hands of Henry Ford Hospital in Detroit, MI. They will remove my cervix along with a few lymph nodes and test the surrounding areas before declaring the big defeat. I'm preparing for anything, slowly becoming numb, mentally glossing over. I feel foggy, checked out, unsocial, distracted, and depleted - all things far from my natural shine and high on life. It's quite challenging to be stuck in something that doesn't fit what I know - what others know. 

I try to keep my eye on November, that time after recovery when life as I know it will return with a vengeance. I focus on the gift of family I will get for an entire month, the full heart I will return to CA with, the reignited passion for life and commitment to goal achievement that will drive the way I live my life, the 5 year vision that I will once again be able to see and get inspired by.

I'm ready for this battle. I'm ready for this win. 

Value - The Past

Uncomfortable. Scared. Uncertain. Sad. 

I've been here before. 

The very reason this blog began. 

I know pain and frustration and hurt and disappointment. My life - a roller-coaster, a whirlwind of events, an emotional journey. A world turned upside down, broken apart, shifted, tweaked, manipulated, and readjusted all to prepare me for this - one of the greatest obstacles I will endure. 

I've been here before. 

A pained heart, instability in my soul, a fear of what may be. 

I cracked. I hit bottom. I saw dark. I found faith. I chose a smile. I came out on top. I know discomfort. I know ache. I know tears. I know sadness. 

I've been here before... 

And I know how to find my way out. How to see the sun. How to reassure my trembling heart. How to calm my mind. How to see tomorrow. How to carry hope and love into everything I do, everything I think.  

I've been here before. 

I know this too will pass.

Imagine - A Different Kind of Life

This last week has been a blur. A numbing experience. The wait unbearable. Had cancer spread? What procedure? Children? Recovery length? Pain? Risk? So many questions, so much uncertainty, loads of fear, tough decisions ahead...

(Or are they tough decisions?)

Yesterday I walked through the doors of Cedars-Sinai, a world-renowned hospital sharing space with the glitz and glamour of Beverly Hills. Medical forms, questionnaires, and a white plastic ID band snapped to my wrist rushed my reality to the forefront. 

I have cancer. 

The journey has begun. 

From the specialist we heard our options, we heard his opinion, we heard what to expect, we heard positivity, we heard "there are no signs of cancer anywhere else." And as the breathe that we had been holding for days slowly released, my mind automatically moved onto the next.

Do I choose to have a full hysterectomy? Do I choose, for my long-lasting health, to take away the possibility of carrying my own child? If, in fact, the cancer is contained in a small portion of my cervix, it alone can be removed. This leaves me with a 30% chance of pregnancy. It will be difficult. It will be risky. It may come with heartache and frustration. It's not a guarantee. 

I'm at a standstill. I need more time. It will take more research, more education, more soul searching and attention.

I know motherhood is in my future, I just don't know how it looks...how it comes to be. 

Value - Sharing

I share in times of sadness and pain, when fear so badly wants control and the unknown begins to paralyze. I share because I know from challenges past that I must acknowledge. I need to confront. I will deny. I must weep. I may break. I will build. I can rely. 


I can rely on each of you (the most incredibly loving people) to encourage me, push me, carry me, remind me, love me, hold me, believe in me, lift me. 


Yesterday's note prompted the most beautiful string of messages, voicemails, notes, and texts. With every heartfelt "I love you" my soul grows more strength. With every hand held out to comfort, I feel more at ease. With every word of encouragement, confidence builds. With every reminder of who I am, fear subsides. 


I know I'm not entering this phase alone. I feel each of you - your love, the prayers, your bright light, the strong faith, all hope and promise. Thank you for letting me share this next chapter with you. Thank you for being by my side. 


It will be difficult. It will be challenging. It will be painful. It will be a struggle. 


BUT 


It will make me stronger. It will create unbreakable bonds. It will intensify my love for life. It will encourage the art of living in the moment. It will expand my heart. 


It will become a thing of the past that once existed sometime long ago, leaving not a single emotional scar, never dimming my light, never stealing my smile. I will win. 


I WILL KICK CANCER'S ASS! 

Embrace - Cancer

Cancer.  

I want to deny. Forced through my lips, the ugliest word. It comes out as a whisper. Voice barely audible. I'm not ready to own, not ready to embrace. 

It's been 3 days. Shock still guarding me, protecting my heart, quieting my mind. 

The diagnoses - cervical cancer. 

It hit me with the weight of a ton of bricks - a voicemail with such concern and urgency that tears and trepidation immediately surfaced. After months of testing from an array of angles, my doctor had found the source. With Mom's hand in mine and the strong, unwavering presence of a very special man, we sat in the doctor's office and heard my reality change. 

Cervical cancer. Minimal chance of a full hysterectomy. Can still carry a baby. Check the lymph nodes. CT scan. Specialist. Blood work. The entirety of the disease is uncertain. Radiation. Cesarean. Chances are good. Survival rate is 99%. Not terminal. Healthy. Young. Surgery. 

The words came flying at me, piling on my shoulders, leaning against my chest, weighing down my heart. Tears and pain filling the room. 

We walked out in a daze, following instructions like robots, made the unavoidable phone calls, and then put it away. 

Exchanging the sorrow for celebration, I've spent the last 72 hours in a place of love and gratitude, enjoying life, indulging in delicious food, sipping strong cocktails, and laughing carelessly. My focus remains on the gifts in my life - the amazing people I call my friends, the incredible family I was born into, the memorable experiences I am treated to, and the love I am surrounded with.       

This is how I tackle challenge. This is how I will tackle cancer and all that may follow. 

Smile. Love. Faith. Strength. 

   

Love - Vulnerability

“To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.”

It takes courage to speak from the heart, sharing the most honest expression in pure, raw form. It takes confidence - a knowing that the emotions felt are true and sincere. It takes love of one's self and those around. It takes a strong commitment to greatness and the achievement of all things deserved. 


“Vulnerability is the only authentic state. Being vulnerable means being open, for wounding, but also for pleasure. Being open to the wounds of life means also being open to the bounty and beauty. Don’t mask or deny your vulnerability; it is your greatest asset."


It doesn't come easy, this act of full exposure. Some feel weak. Some feel unprotected. The receiver's reaction, never guaranteed. But it is a gift to be vulnerable - a gift to yourself and a gift to others. It has the power to elevate, to soothe the heart, feed the soul and create tremendous bonds. 


“When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability...To be alive is to be vulnerable.”


What's the alternative? To be closed off? To lack emotion and feeling? To walk around disconnected? To be stingy with praise and love? To live in solitude? To miss out on intimate connection? To experience only a portion of what life has to offer? 


I choose vulnerability - the sharing of my authentic self without hesitation. I've seen the possibilities it creates, the smiles it receives, the strength it cultivates, and the fulfillment it provides. 

Embrace - Thirty

The confetti has settled. The party's packed up. 30 here I am. 


Mom and Dad are back in Chicago. Decorations and flare stored for birthdays to come. A headache lingers and my body is stiff - a fabulous reminder of the week's indulgences and rules gone out the window.  Fancy balloons are beginning to lose their luster in the corner of my living room. Greeting cards canvasing the kitchen counter. A fridge full of treats. Photos strewn about.


What a wonderful birthday! What a wonderful celebration! A great way to welcome a new decade, a new chapter, a new phase in my life. One (I've been told over and over) that will surely be filled with endless amounts of satisfaction, confidence, enjoyment, contentment, beauty and bliss. 


I believe it. 


I welcome my thirties. I have honest faith they will be filled with all things I've been waiting so patiently for -  a fulfilling career, a cherished partnership, babies to raise, peace and stability, increased self love, and beautiful relationships. 


It's wild to look back at 18...21...25 and recall what I thought my life would be like when I hit 30. I never imagined this - single, living in Santa Monica, working at a restaurant, opening a spinning studio, writing a book, and loving life despite its distance from traditionalism. 


...but that's because I had no idea what was possible for me. Now I know. Now I'm excited!


30 here I am!

Imagine - The Next Chapter

I had a sense of aloneness that ached for company, feelings that needed to be expressed, and an unsettled heart yearning for peace. 

So I wrote. 

I acknowledged. I felt. I shared. I received. I healed. 

Today, I have a sense of gratitude that can't be contained, feelings that are shared without hesitation, and a heart that flutters more than I can remember. 

I've let go of the pain that I once couldn't shake. I've accepted what and who will be. I've embraced my life for all that it is in this moment. And I've grown excited for the unknown. 

I got complete, giving myself permission to move forward with grace and ease. 

"You can't start the next chapter if you keep re-reading the last one." 

 

Imagine - Choosing Happiness

"Being happy is about being able to relax into the imperfect nature of our experience, not about finally having everything just the way we want it." 


I have unmet needs. I have unanswered prayers. I have unavailable desires. I yearn, I hope, I dream, I wish for things that can not be mine in this moment. I get sad. I have remorse. I feel frustration. I am pained. 


And then I remember...


Happiness is a choice - always accessible, always attainable, always there. It's mine to seek out. Mine to ignite. Mine to choose. Mine to own. Mine to protect as I continue on this completely imperfect journey called my life. 


"Being happy in the midst of the difficulties of human life is a wonderful art, a great accomplishment. Learning to be happy is perhaps the most important skill we can develop in life." 


I choose to be happy because I see no other option. It's not in me to live in a negative place, stuck in what isn't and losing sight of the wonderful that is. So for what I have, I am grateful. For what I want, I remain hopeful. And with every moment that passes, both beautiful and bright or painful and dark, I will have happiness in my soul, love in my heart, and a genuine smile on my face. 


I choose happiness. Always and forever. 

Imagine - Your Blank Canvas

"What do you want?"

As I look out at this blank canvas I have before me, this brand new chapter yet to be written, this clean slate void of scuffs and blemishes, I feel blessed. It is mine - mine to dream up, to create, to live out, and to love. Freely, fully, and honestly. 

Never will I be tormented or fearful of this futuristic nothingness as it serves as a powerful reminder of all that I have conquered, all that I have survived, all that I have chosen, all that I have gone after, and all that I am capable of. 

It's nothing short of a beautiful miracle. 

"I'm just beginning, pen's in my hand, ending unplanned...Live your life with arms wide open, today is, where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten." - Natasha Bedingfield 

On this blank canvas, in this new chapter, and atop this clean slate I am building a masterpiece - a life built with extreme ambition, wild dreams, beautiful people, and endless amounts of love and gratitude. For years I've been writing down my goals, thinking outside the box, and striving to fill my life with all things grand. But only in this moment, this current phase of life, post-storm and with my feet firmly on the ground am I able to tap into what it is I truly want - no limits, no hesitations, no inauthenticity, no fear, no compromise, no settling. The stage is set for me to create and attract all that I desire. 

"When you really want something, the universe always conspires in your favor." So what am I putting on this blank canvas? What am I writing in this next chapter? What goes on this clean slate?

I publish a memoir, a detailed recap of a twenty-something woman searching for the ultimate love of life.  

I am a world renowned author and motivational speaker. 

I publish a series of 4 coaching books, using life lessons and training resources to motivate and inspire others. 

I have a romantic partnership with a man who can match my passion and love for people and adventure. 

I am a mother. 

I am a spinning instructor. 

I live near the beach in Southern California.  

I own a spinning studio that embodies my passion for health, wellness, and community.

I travel around Europe, South Africa, and Australia. 

My life is full of love and gratitude. 

Embrace - Life's Gifts

At 18, in the midst of growing pains and uncertainty, my Aunt Madeline gave me a gift that shifted my intentions for life. Her words, so powerful and perfect for a lost and heart broken teenager. "Sara Lynn, you are on this earth for a very special reason." At a time when life felt unfair and cruel, before I had established a free standing identity, when the first twinges of love-induced heart ache were hitting hard, this message became a seed planted in my mind and felt in my soul. 

At 25, in search of fulfilling and enjoyable work, I joined lululemon athletica. The environment, a true gift, so rich with tools and resources for personal development and goal achievement, it encouraged a journey of self-discovery and reflection, while instilling in me the concept of living a life of mediocrity vs. one of greatness. I learned the value of being authentic and speaking with candor. I began to understand people on a deeper level and take responsibility in every possible situation, using each moment as an opportunity to learn and grow. During my 4 years this job and its elevating principles expanded my view on life, those around me, and that of myself. 

At 26, in a natural progression, I married the man I had been loving for 10 years. Our commitment, built on years of hard work, deep friendship, and dedication taught me the essence of partnership - the give and take, selflessness, constant and dependable love, ego-less support, security, and trust. This marriage, an invaluable gift, was the perfect stepping stone, the perfect trial run, the perfect introduction for what's to come.

At 27, a time when children for me were undesirable, my brother and his partner received the most wonderful of life's gifts - a beautiful newborn. My niece Riley, now 3 years old, has the presence and impact of a hundred giants. Her love and happiness so pure and contagious. Being strategically placed into our family, she has taught me unconditional love in true form, while igniting a lost spark for children of my own. Her existence in my world has shown me the beauty and fulfillment of having responsibility for something outside of myself while also reminding me of life's simplicity. 

At 28, as I was settling into life feeling perfect and complete, I was given the gift of California. I left all that was good and familiar in exchange for a completely different journey. What came of this change in direction was a strong sense of self and a living beyond my imagination. With this move, I've felt more, experienced more, loved more, cried more, seen more, searched more, laughed more, shared more, sensed more, and played more than I ever knew possible for myself. 

At 29, feeling a need for major change, I let go of my job at lululemon and stepped away from my marriage. I spent 9 months unemployed and pained wandering through life seeking direction, looking for myself, begging for love and reassurance, praying that my giant leap of faith wasn't completely miscalculated. I experienced the entire spectrum of emotions and from that I learned what it feels like to truly live.

At 29, in a place of struggle, I found self love. This gift, the very thing I needed to discover in order to understand and carry out my purpose. I now see with absolute clarity that I'm here to share myself wholly, authentically, sincerely, and free of hesitation with the masses. I am here to love and accept, to understand and embrace, to challenge and encourage, to inspire and support, to give faith and light...all by simply being me, a woman with a story of ups and downs, challenges and triumphs and a willingness to be vulnerable. 

 

Embrace - The Lover in You

I spent 12 years with a man I called my best friend, a man that provided me with a stable foundation, one of respect and trust and stability. I was proud to call him my best friend because that’s what he was - a dependable presence, a support system, a witness to my life, a good and honorable man. 

We loved like best friends sharing comfort and happiness so we got married. 

I spent 1 year with a man I called my lover, a man that provided me with an emotional connection stronger than I’ve ever known, a man who opened me up to all my beauty and grace, a man who encouraged my newly found love of self. I was proud to call him my lover because that’s what he was - a giving man so loving and attentive, a patient soul, a huge love source, an emotionally charged man full of feeling and life. 

We loved like lovers sharing intensity and fire so we dated. 

These relationships more different than day and night. One built with a strong, solid base of friendship and dependability. The later built from extreme chemistry and emotional connection. And although I hold sadness and disappointment in my heart for both loves lost, I notice a heavier tug from the partnership quickly built on emotion, chemistry, intensity, and passion. Because through this short connection, a huge piece of me was revived - the lover inside, the emotionally expressive woman.  

13 years ago, I had entered that high school friendship turned twenty-something marriage as a woman full of affection and love to share, completely ready and excited to receive in return. But I quickly learned to hold back my impulses and push down my needs, as I adjusted to the emotional comfort level of my partner. Not a beneficial compromise - EVER. With the challenges of long distance and drifting focuses, it’s no surprise that our foundation of over a decade wasn’t sturdy enough. It lacked the glue, the sticky stuff, the emotional bond and intimate connection. 

After life’s learnings I know I will forever honor the intense, emotional, giving, needing, compassionate lover inside of me! It makes for incredible moments of aliveness and beautiful bonds that will survive a lifetime.  

Love - Logic Vs. The Heart

That which does not kill us makes us stronger. 


You are never given more than you can handle. 


Before every breakthrough is a breakdown. 


After a period of darkness, there will be light. 


Nothing with value comes easy.


Everything happens for a reason.


If you're not growing, you're dying. 


In order to get the good, we will also get the bad. 


Comfort equals mediocrity. 


I embrace these declarations as my truth for I've watched them all play out in my life - the strength I acquire daily from living with an unsettled heart, the beautiful people that arrived at a time I felt so alone, the power I've built up inside following each painful moment, the self awareness and authenticity that has grown within, the balance of celebrations and disappointments that together lead to appreciation, the feelings of gratitude and list of valuable learnings that stem from experiences both dark and bright. 


Logically I understand. Logically I see. Logically I know. Logically I can wrap my head around it all - how, what, where, when, and why. 


It's my heart, my emotional center, my primary source of being, the driving force of all my actions and day to day feelings that's in need of more time, more convincing that I am ok and everything is exactly as it should be. 

Value - The Power of Presence

Along this path of newness and uncertainty, I have two choices - to live in fear or live in love. I can be paralyzed and stuck or energized and create. I can wallow in what isn't and what should've been or I can celebrate what is and all that can be. I can spend my mental energy on failures of the past or I can focus my thoughts on the beauty of who I am and all that I desire.  

“If I thought too much about what had happened, I would get sad and angry, and I couldn’t forgive the mistakes that had been made. If I thought too much about the future, that was too overwhelming. But if I stayed right in the present moment, I could handle things with grace and with ease.” - The Power of Presence 

Each morning before getting out of bed, I sit with myself as I prepare to take on another day of uncertainty, a day that's sure to be filled with memories of special moments passed, a twinge of pain in the heart as I begin another day of oneness, a vision of things desired but not yet attainable. I lay quietly until I find hints of strength, clarity, love, and motivation. I remind myself of the purpose of this path. I dig up a sense of trust and faith. I soothe my anxious mind and restore peace into my heart. 

An everyday practice, keeping me in the moment when I want to run back to what I had or fast forward to the life I'm preparing for. A practice that may be second nature for some, but to me it's a brand new way of life - no longer searching outside myself for the bulk of my strength and love. For the first time I'm depending on me, trusting me, having faith in me, celebrating me, comforting me, paying attention to me, nurturing me...loving me. And this happens most when I simply take it one day at a time, moving through this journey at a slow and steady pace being careful not to force or rush. Every second I sit with myself enhances the amount of strength being built inside. 

That's something worth being present for.    

Love - I Love You

"I love you." 


A powerful message when spoken from my lips. A sincere expression of the heart. A simple grouping of words with endless amounts of life. Never used carelessly or in obligation, its' value cannot waiver. Within this declaration lies deep connection, beautiful feelings of gratitude, acceptance of the imperfections, tearful bonds and joyous celebrations, a story of times shared and anticipation for those to come.  


"I love you." 


What once was a string of three words put together to form a sentence - an awkward attempt to explain butterflies in the belly and a fogginess of the mind. It lacked heart and passion, and was void of intimacy. An automatic response with little conviction. A phone call wrap up and a greeting card signature. 

"I love you." 


No longer is it forced, empty, mindless, or small. It's full of meaning, compassion, and sincerity. It's love - the giving and receiving of one another in raw, perfectly imperfect form. It's the courage to get vulnerable. It's finding something wonderful in each piece of different. It's creating in a space without limits. It's understanding and embrace. 


"I love you." 


Its' use, a reflection of the love I have within. A self-love revival encouraged by the blind faith of an old best friend, nurtured by the patience of a beautiful man, and reinforced by the experiences along the way. 


"I love you." 

So simple, yet, so profound! 

Love - All of You

"You are whole, perfect, and complete.” 

A life altering string of words. A beautiful gift of wisdom and love. A recognition too many live a lifetime without. A powerful truth I only began to embody at the turn of the year when the storm subsided and pieces of my life began to gradually settle. 

That’s when I came into clear view. 

Much of my twenties were spent searching for things, rarely at peace with who I was or what I offered. Never able to just embrace and confidently be. Some called it the “shiny object syndrome,” while I tried to defend my reach as a simple desire for personal growth and new experiences (something that was true for me, but not the driving force of my actions during this time). 

Throughout the last decade of my life I was chasing - chasing after things that would make me feel MORE...more fulfilled, more happy, more loved, more enlightened. I was constantly seeking externally what was only accessible from within, what only became accessible when I was challenged, broken, pained, heavy hearted, scared, and lonely.  

If it weren't for the nights I laid in bed crying myself to sleep, or the cold reality when morning hits after a night filled with beautiful dreams, or the best friend who is now a complete stranger, or the days I sit at home hoping a special man will knock on my door, or the distance that has been strategically placed between me and those I love, or the strength I have to rediscover daily to accept this beautiful journey with open arms. If it weren’t for these moments, I would not see me for all that I am. 

My power, my strength, my capabilities, my value, my worth, my gifts all uncovered when a little light found its’ way into my soul after the darkness. Now I see...

I am whole, perfect, and complete. 

Embrace - Being Single

Single. 

A new world to me. One of uncertainties and physical aloneness. It requires self-love, honest reflection, and a colorful imagination. It forces a search for contentment and comfort within. It’s full of adventure and never short of intense emotion. It offers endless possibility. It encourages the acknowledgement and embrace of my fullest potential. Shifting from us to me, it creates a sense of independence and strength. It nurtures the build up of a stable foundation. It asks for faith and patience.

A necessity of life - a chance to see what I'm capable of and all that I desire. A time to simply be. Free of compromise and obligation, it's mine to create! 

"Across the broad continent of a woman's life falls a shadow of a sword. On one side of that sword, she said, there lies convention and tradition and order, where "all is correct." But on the other side of that sword, if you're crazy enough to cross it and choose a life that does not follow convention, "All is confusing. Nothing follows a regular course." Her argument was that the crossing of the shadow of that sword may bring a far more interesting existence to a woman, but you can bet it will also be more perilous." (Taken from Elizabeth Gilbert's book Eat, Pray, Love)

When my marriage ended last year, I jumped head first into a romantic whirlwind that played out until this past November. It was the perfect distraction, the perfect heart filler, the perfect companion, the perfect teacher, the perfect challenge, the perfect support, the perfect experience for me during those broken and confusing (perilous) months. I wasn't ready to be alone. I had so much love to give and partnership to provide. I wanted to create that same sense of security, comfort, stability, unconditional love, and safety that I had felt in my previous relationship so life didn't skip a beat. I was petrified of casual dating and loose commitments. I wanted something to hang onto and invest in. Anything looked better than being single, even if it meant a delay in my healing and ultimate growth process. I was looking for immediate satisfaction, so I fought and held on as long we could handle.   

And with this goodbye came handfuls of LOVE resources. I found it within myself, in family members, while writing, in Chicago, with new friends, in the sun, by the ocean, in spin class, during yoga, at the coffee shop, on Runyon Canyon, on Facebook, through my blog, in children...

I have love pouring in from and going out in all directions! Not knowing any different, I was convinced for the last 12 years of my life that a romantic relationship was the end all be all for love. Oops! 

Single. 

It's a journey - perhaps the most life altering, impactful, beautiful, and rewarding journey I'll ever be on. I now accept what can and can't be in this very moment. I cherish the waiting, imagining all the love and compassion that awaits me in a partnership. I trust that there are wonderful adventures, relationships, and opportunities in store for me. 

I embrace being single! 

Value - Your Inner Voice

“I feel there are 2 people inside me - me and my intuition. If I go against her she’ll screw me every time, and if I follow her we get along quite nicely.”

Some call it a gut feeling. Others label it as an inner voice. It’s often described as a following of the heart. And many refer to it as a guiding light. It will save your life. It will raise you up. It will point you toward greatness. And it will never lead you astray. 

It’s your intuition - beliefs you can not always justify nor can you describe with reason. It starts off as a whisper, gentle and soft, working to get your attention with a nudge. A quiet wakeup call. If unacknowledged or pushed aside, it does not give up. It will scream, kick, push, and shove until you see! 

Up to that point, life will be a fight. It will be uncomfortable. It will knock you down. It will be dark. It will be confusing. 

For a year and a half (and as recently as last Wednesday) I heard the words, “RUN!” and “GET OUT!” over and over in my head. It occurred in a number of situations, around numerous challenges, with a range of people, and in many uncomfortable moments.

In many areas of my life I had let the whisper grow to an attention demanding yell. Ignoring a strong sense that something wasn’t fitting as nicely as it should, I lingered too long, resulting in man-made barriers, self-inflicted bumps, and many bruises to the heart. 

One of those times...

In October of 2010, I threw myself into work only to have what I saw as failure after failure as a leader. At the same time my long distance marriage began to feel like a chore, a heavy weight, more of an obligation getting in the way of my California experience and overall success at work then this beautiful partnership I had once known. 

I didn’t understand why my life felt so difficult until I finally stood still long enough to hear that inner voice shouting at me to “RUN,” to leave the thing that was consuming me and invest time and love into my mediocre marriage. 

On a beautiful Saturday morning the following February, after countless gentle nudges and a seemingly never ending rocky road, I chose to leave my job. 2 weeks later, my mind free of the failures at work and some much needed time alone with my thoughts, I was able to sit down face to face with my then husband and fully, consciously agree that our needs as individuals did not match the needs of a healthy marriage. 

Simply put, I wanted travel and adventure and he wanted the comforts of home and family - a critical piece of information we knew prior to marriage but pushed aside in denial. Looking back, I recall those whispers. 

So when I review this most recent phase of my life, I am in complete understanding of why it was so rocky, so full of turmoil and pain. I refused to allow my inner voice to lead the way mostly because I feared its’ truth and all that it would reveal to me (or take away). Oddly enough, it’s easier to hang on to the familiar even if it doesn’t fit rather than listening to your gut and shift direction toward something greater.  

Today, I value my inner voice for I see through personal experiences that it never leads me astray. It has my best interest in mind. It only wants happiness in my life. And it’s with me all the time, just quieter some days and more rampant on others. 

It just needs attention and trust to thrive.