Value - Heartache

"With every twinge of pain, every bit of uneasiness, every challenge and defeat...we grow." 

As I review the timeline of my 30 years, I'm in amazement at the number of significant, life altering moments that have accumulated in the 18 months passed. These pivotal moments, all of which carry with them a commonality of heartache and pain. 

For well over a year, I've been consistently in and out of peace, love, acceptance, stability, comfort, confidence, assurance and clarity. Through a major move, a disappointing divorce, a loss of identity, a whirlwind romance, a shifting of careers and a hopeless love affair, I've felt broken into pieces - totally helpless, unbearably lonely and ultimately confused and uncertain at times. 

But, despite the heartache and pain; despite each pivotal moment that led to temporary darkness, I did not surrender. I did not relinquish control. I did not succumb to mediocrity. I lived through it, completely conscious to the ups and downs. I felt every twinge of pain, every bit of uneasiness, every challenge and defeat. And with that, I grew. 

The heartache that at times felt heavy and stifling became the door to amazing things in my life. It has fueled huge career goals, created special bonds, grounded me in confidence, ignited an intense love within and provided life saving guidance (to name a few). I value every minute of my past for each has added to the creation and redefining of my 30 year-old self. 

It's no wonder I feel most alive in this phase of my life. I've just endured a huge growth spurt!

Imagine - Your Life

So this is what it feels like to truly go after your life...


It hit me today as I sat on the phone with my parents, filling them in on my latest twists and turns. Both lines resorting to laughter in absolute astonishment and disbelief that yet again I had chosen to throw another challenge into the mix, while comically enough, at the same time the Universe decided to throw heart heavy news at me from another direction. It never fails these days, the instant I become comfortable and begin to cozy up to my revised life, something with the weight of a humungous boulder gets placed on my shoulders or leaned against my chest. 


After the emotional turmoil subsided, I was able to see that wanting greatness in my life comes at a cost. Sure I could choose familiarity and comfort, safe and predictable, calm and rational. I imagine that'd be an easy, smooth path to follow. But, something inside of me keeps going after the ultimate. I want complete satisfaction, total fulfillment, an abundance of love, loads of pleasure, endless amounts of joy, magnificent experiences, continuous growth, unconditional self-love, inspiration. 


I want greatness! 


So I set big, scary goals. I embrace failure as a possibility. I understand. I make drastic changes. I follow my dreams. I look inside. I question. I remain true to myself. I get vulnerable. I create uneasy. I love deeply. I choose to get uncomfortable. I allow my heart to ache. I never stop feeling. I don't hold back. I refuse to settle. 


This is what it takes to live the life I imagine!

Embrace - Life's Journey

I've shed more tears in 12 months than I've cried in all my 30 years. As I write this, even, I'm wiping salty streams from my face as I work to register the most recent shifts of my day. 

Never have I known my life to be this heart wrenchingly inconsistent, this fearfully unpredictable, this fanatically emotional, this unsettling and uncertain. What started off as a confident and exciting move from city living in the Midwest to ocean views on the West Coast, quickly became a year of stormy weather with huge bumps and unpredictable conditions (and beautiful rainbows that I could only see after the clouds lifted). 

The "stormy weather"...

I moved myself 2,000 miles away from the most important people in my life. 

I put aside my marriage to live out my dreams. 

I encountered many failed attempts at leading my new team at work. 

I divorced the man I spent half my life with. 

I fell in love with a man I wanted, but couldn't fully have.

I spent an exhaustive amount of time chasing things that simply didn't fit. 

I left my employer after 4 years of bliss.  

I spent 9 months unemployed.  

I lingered in temporary employment positions that did not compliment me. 

Men I've loved deeply have moved on. 

The "beautiful rainbows"...

I moved myself 2,000 miles away from the most important people in my life. 

I put aside my marriage to live out my dreams. 

I encountered many failed attempts at leading my new team at work. 

I divorced the man I spent half my life with. 

I fell in love with a man I could never fully have.

I spent an exhaustive amount of time chasing things that simply didn't fit. 

I left my employer after 4 years of bliss. 

I spent 9 months unemployed.  

I lingered in temporary employment positions that did not compliment me. 

Men I've loved deeply have moved on.

What these heart wrenchingly inconsistent, fearfully unpredictable, fanatically emotional, and unsettling moments of uncertainty have provided me are light, guidance, and confirmation of my most fitting path. Because every one of my dark, stormy days have eventually led me to a beautiful rainbow of brightness and clarity, I've learned to embrace my journey no matter how bad the storm seems. 


I'm confident today's storm will soon become a rainbow. 

Value - Faith

Through a handful of memorable church-related experiences, I had created a long list of associations that had me completely uninterested in participating in the world of organized religion. The communal chants, musty smells, naked man nailed to a cross, quietness, talks of death, funerals, and tears had me swearing off religion before I even hit my teens. From what I gathered early in life, church and religion was a sad, dark place centered around death. 

No thank you. I passed. 

For 28 years I stayed far away from thoughts of a higher power and other intangible concepts like heaven and the power of prayer. I thought because I had a good life I didn't need religion. I didn't need to be fixed, or saved, or prayed for. I thought I was just one of the lucky people that would continue on a smooth, comfortable path - always smiling, always at peace, always fulfilled, always loved, always taken care of.  

"Most people don't know there are angels whose only job is make sure you don't get too comfortable and fall asleep and miss your life." - Storypeople 

At the very moment I was saying, "I'm living my perfect life," one of those angels shook my world in August of 2010. It wasn't until I hit this phase in my life that I began to understand the beauty of having faith in something greater than you. I had days when I alone could not muster up the positivity needed to lift my heart or shift my thoughts. Even though I had the self awareness of what was going on and the training to know what steps I could take to move myself out of the darkness, I remained stuck in a destructive place for months. 

What carried me day to day was this sincere feeling of faith - faith in knowing that I was ok, that there would be light, that within the struggle were many beautiful learnings. I just had to have faith that it was happening for a reason and that one day, I'd be sitting back giving thanks for the struggle and everything wonderful brought into my life because of it. Once I was able to really hold on to this faith, I began seeing my life through a different lens. My perspective of life events changed. My heart began to lighten and my smile grew brighter. 

What I've gathered thus far is that if it weren't for the uncomfortableness I would not have grown to know me - the true, authentic me. With this knowing, I am able to share myself with those around me on a more intimate level, which in turn has created these beautifully sustainable and life changing relationships in my life. With this faith I get to settle into the waiting, cherishing every moment, all the twists and turns and simply be at peace with what's to come.  

Embrace - Loneliness

In my tiny bungalow I have 14 pieces of Storypeople artwork. Hanging on every wall is a splash of color and words that move me to tears with each review. I've been collecting these prints by Brian Andreas since 1997, the year my sweet Grandma Alice passed away. She had been the roots of our family tree, grounding us with her unconditional love and selfless ways. The first piece of my collection portrayed my grandma's story so well that it instantly became a treasured gift. Since then, I have grown my collection by 13 - discovering the most perfect message at the most appropriate time. It's as though the artist has been writing and creating in complete sync with my life, giving me beams of light in moments that are overshadowed. 

Words of Comfort by Brian Andreas 

At 29, I was alone for the first time in my adult life - no companion, no parents, no family, no rooted connections in my new home of Santa Monica. As I struggled to grasp this unfamiliar territory I did an incredible job of filling my life with distractions, both highly elevating and completely empty. I forced random connections, lost sight of quality over quantity, got crazy in love, grabbed onto things no matter how mismatched, stayed busy from start to finish of every day. I did everything I could to simply NOT BE with myself because being there meant I'd have to feel - feel my pain, fears, confusion, guilt, loneliness...

I wasn't prepared to muddle through all of that, nor was I ready to fully embrace the newness of my life. So I spent most of 2011 fighting against what was, yearning for what wasn't, and feeling stuck in something that wasn't my own. Do you know how much energy and effort it takes to fight the natural flow of life? It was exhausting and not at all fulfilling. Eventually feeling the drain, I decided to succumb to my new reality, little by little. 

"...it is enough to be taken care of by my self." 

In August, I slowly began to back away from distractions and embrace my loneliness. I took more time to simply be with myself. I dusted off books I once loved reading. I found value in special relationships where I could fully express my authentic self vs surface level acquaintances. I attended workshops that encouraged attention to be turned inward. I tapped back into what I knew to be at the core of me and I began to celebrate. I shifted my thinking from distraught, sad, and stuck to clear, excited, and grateful. Every conversation I had with myself and every minute I spent looking inside, the more authentic I became to the outside world, which in turn, opened up the space for everything and everyone that is so wonderful in my life today. I'm thankful for this time I get to spend with Me! 

Love - Letting Go

"If you love something let it go..." starts the notable saying, "and if it comes back it was meant to be." It was within this letting go in the name of love that I flipped my life upside down, sideways, and backward a year and a half ago.

I remember the humid August day as if it were yesterday. Tears streaming down my face as I was presented with a professional opportunity to relocate from Chicago to Santa Monica, CA. For 15 years I had been dreaming about living in the golden state. It was written in my goals, represented on my vision board, talked about daily. I shared my dream with everyone! I wholeheartedly wanted it. So why the intense emotion if I was being offered exactly what I had been asking for? I first cried tears of gratitude for the faith and acknowledgement, then I was overpowered by a realization that no matter what, I couldn't and wouldn't say no.

In that moment, I knew my life was changing. 

"Sometimes you have to give up the life you planned to live the life that's waiting for you."

The life I had was wonderful - happily residing in the incredible city of Chicago about to celebrate a two year wedding anniversary with my high school sweetheart and best friend. I lived steps away from my brothers, parents, and adorable 2 year old niece. I was carrying out my dream role with an unbelievable company. I had the most fabulous girlfriends and co-workers one could ask for. I was living 1 block from beautiful Lake Michigan and 15 minutes from the hustle and bustle of downtown.

All this "wonderful," yet, something inside pushed me to accept the offer and relocate to California 2 months later. My husband at the time decided to stay in Chicago to see a project through completion while searching for LA based jobs in the meantime. Because I anticipated my new role would require my heart and soul for the first few months, this actually sounded perfect. We had 12 years of history and vows and practice with distance - making it work was never a question. A few months of separation felt completely tolerable when you anticipate a lifetime of togetherness.

The first 2 months held nothing but hope and promise, whimsical fantasies of a new life under the sun, visions of endless possibility, and mounds of excitement. Months 3-5, however, began to take a toll on us as individuals and as partners. My work responsibilities had become my #1, even more so than anticipated. The job search for him was unsuccessful, turned non-existent. Living alone built up this independence within me that challenged the dynamic of our relationship. The excitement and support for each other's goals and dreams dwindled as bitterness set in. An ugly disconnect crept into our relationship that we couldn't move passed.

This is when the tough questions started to arise.

What did we really want in life? Were we going to build a family and if so, where? Was I willing to move back to the Midwest? Did he want to be 2,000 miles from his friends and family? Could we be the best versions of ourselves together? Were we holding each other back? Who sacrifices their dreams? Thirty years from now, will there be regrets or "what-ifs"?

After a handful of emotionally candid conversations, the answers to our questions gave us the clarity to acknowledge we were not meant to carry out our marriage as we had once planned. With love and respect we chose to let each other go, releasing one another from restraint, limitation, and a sense of mediocrity. It was a peaceful decision in that moment as we both embraced our new, more fitting directions in life.

"If you love something let it go..."

It'd be absolutely misleading if I said this was an easy process, that placing myself on a new path full of uncertainty and newness was all celebrations. After the reality of our decision set in and legal formalities took place, I felt extremely lost, confused, and lonely. I questioned myself everyday, regretting how easy it felt, feeling guilty that I let go too quickly, hating myself for not giving my marriage the attention it deserved, feeling more guilt for loving my life in California. The ugly self-tormenting list went on and on for months...

And then it stopped.

I had begun to embrace this beautiful mantra I overheard, "And so it is. Let it be." These powerful words did it for me. This simple reminder allowed me to finally come full circle and once again feel confident and at peace with my decision and the new life path I was on. I began to feel overwhelming amounts of gratitude for a relationship I had the honor of being in for 12 years. I could see all that it was for me - how it shaped me, how it carried me, how it grew me, and how it served me. Without it, I wouldn't be where I am today, sharing my story with the masses, helping others see that with every challenge or dark moment there comes light. With every dark moment, there comes tremendous growth.

I would not take back a single tear I cried, or ounce of pain I felt, or any of the inconsolable episodes I endured. Here I am on the other side of it all knowing I am strong, I am capable, I am powerful. Letting go in the name of love got me here. For that, I will be forever grateful.